Harry and the Bobcats
by AlexaR
Summary: Harry, Ron, Crabbe, and Goyle create a revolutionary gay band over summer break that becomes a huge success. They go on tour while Draco has his way with every girl along the way. Must read!
1. Summer Changes

Attention: Please do not judge this story and me AlexaR by the author's notes written by my lovely friend trunksgirl69 who has yet to grasp the fact that you can, in fact type in a style other than net-speak. Thank you.

So Ya ppl this is a story written by me trunksgirl69 and my best friend AlexaR so Ya blah blah blah blah for mature audience only and I did not make up that characters blah blah j.k rowling blah blah enjoy the story!

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The smoke shot thought the smoke stack of the Hogwarts Express as it heads towards it destination. This was the start of Harry Potter's 7th year.

Inside the train, Hermione Granger had just entered the compartment of her best friends – Harry Potter and Ron Weasley.

"Hey, Harry" said Hermione as she hugged him. "Oh hey Ron, I didn't see you over that large pile of candy you seem to be shoving your face into." Ron smirked at her.

"So Hermione, what did you do this summer?" asked Harry

"You know, read some books, went out with friends, sent letters to you and Ron, same old, same old," said Hermione. "What about you?"

"Well I stayed at Ron's over the summer and we formed a band with Crabbe and Goyle," said Harry.

"Yeah, it was lots of fun!" Ron mumbled. His food sprayed all over the place when he said this.

"Really? Well, what's your band's name?" asked Hermione.

"Well, it's called Harry and the Bobcats," said Harry.

"Well that's gay," said Hermione.

Ron chocked on his food then cleared his throat, "That is kind of the theme." he said.

"What theme? Oh I get it your one of those stupid humour bands like the Monkeys right?" asked Hermione.

"No Hermione, we're g-" said Ron before he was interrupted by Crabbe and Goyle opening the door.

"HARRY, RON GUESS WHAT!" screamed Crabbe.

"What?" asked Harry.

"We found a poster that said Hogwarts is having a talent show on the second week of school! This could be the BIG BREAK for Harry and the Bobcats!" said Goyle.

"All right!" cried Harry and Ron.

Just then, Draco opened the door and walked in.

"Hey fags," said Draco.

"Oh, so he knows now. News sure travels fast," said Ron.

"Weasley I probably knew it before you did. Remember that time when you did Pavarti's make up and hair in class?" said Draco.

"Knew what?" asked Hermione.

"Oh poor stupid Granger. All book smarts, no common sense. Haven't you noticed that Weasley, Potter, Crabbe, and Goyle are g-" Draco was cut off as Neville walked into the room.

"We have arrived! Let us go forth, the majestic Hogwarts awaits," Neville said. He then walked away with pride of the awesomeness of the head boy badge on his chest.

They all walked over to the carriages. Harry saw the thestrals, but as he had forgotten about them, he screamed and fainted in to Ron's arms.

"Harry! Oh my god, you're to good looking to die! Don't you leave me!" screamed Ron.

"Oh no! How will we ever survive without our lead singer and hugely major heartthrob?" cried Crabbe and Goyle in unison.

Draco started laughing. "He's not dead my bender friends, he's only fainted. Not like it's anything new."

"Oh dear," said Hermione. "Let me help you put him in the carriage, Ron,"

Draco rolled his eyes. "I think Weasley would enjoy doing it himself Granger."

"Why would he enjoy that?" asked Hermione.

"Because can't you see that they're g-"

"Come on you six," said Hagrid. "Get into the carriages. Although since you're here, is there anything yu'll be wanting from me? Eh?"

"Yeah, we'll come see you tomorrow first thing Hagrid. It's just that Harry here's fainted and we know he wouldn't want to miss it," said Ron.

"Aright, Ron. I'll be seein you tommora."

About halfway to school Harry woke up to see Crabbe's face in his line of vision, shrieked and fainted again.

Hermione and Neville were announced as head boy and girl at the feast. When they came back to the table, everybody was shaking their hands.

"Ron, you're supposed to shake hands with your right hand not your left hand," scolded Hermione.

"Shut up bitch! His right hand is busy!" snapped Colin Creevey quickly.

"Oh with what? Oh well. Hey Colin did you know that Harry and Ron are in a band with Crabbe and Goyle?" asked Hermione.

"OH, OH, YES!" said Colin.

"You did? When did they tell you?" asked Hermione.

"Um... yesterday. Come on Ron, let's go talk to a teacher about... homework." said Colin.

"I'm so proud of you boys, taking such time and care for school," said Hermione as Ron and Colin ran off.

"Oh Potter's going to be mad at cheating Weasley," said Draco.

"Cheating on who?" asked Hermione.

"Fuck, never mind," said Draco. "I'm going to Hagrid's."

Draco walked into Hagrid's hut to find the giant and Pimp Daddy Flitwick smoking a pipe.

"Hey Draco, what would ya like today?" asked Hagrid.

"Hook me up with some Mary Jane and shrooms," said Draco.

"Ah party?" asked Hagrid.

"No, just need to get away for know-it-alls that know nothing," said Draco.

"Oh, alright jus gi'me sec," said Hagrid. Draco sat down, puffed the pipe, and started having a extremely intelligent discussion with Pimp Daddy Flit on how drugs are bad.

"Oh yeah, they're pretty damned bad. You bet," said Pimp Daddy Flit. "Now be a good one and pass me that bag of harmless icing sugar. Thanks, there's a lad."

"Here ya go Draco," said Hagrid.

"Thanks, see you later Hagrid. Enjoy your sugar Pimp Daddy Flit." Draco left Hagrid's hut and headed back to the school. On his way down the dungeons, he ran into a whole bunch of 1st year Slytherin girls with their giggling innocence and smell of virginity. Draco and the girls weren't seen for 2 weeks.

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So ya it's a little short but awesome huh ya that's what I though you can't wait till the next chapter you at the ends of your seat waiting to see what happens huh well ya stay there and the next one will be up soon so ya review ppl or I will kick some ass jk ïﾁŠ later peeps

harry ron crabbe and goyle create a revolutionary gay band over summer break that becomes a huge succsess and go on tour while draco has his way with every girl and school and its really one $hit storm after another enjoy ppl


	2. The Talent Show

Okay, here's the next chapter, typed by yours truly, AlexaR. Written of course by myself and Trunk-girl69. This chapter came out pretty quick I think, at least by our standards. The characters, setting, etc etc don't belong to us, or we'd be so rich we'd leave school right now and go on the trip around the world we plan on taking some day. Now I'll stop this boring author's note and let you get on with the story. Don't forget to review!!!

The Talent Show 

The great hall was crowed with screaming students that night and where the staff table usually sat there was a stage with strobe lights, spotlights and flamethrowers.

"Wow, Hagrid, you really made this place? It looks like a real concert, thanks!" said Dumbledor. "Now pass the joint."

Back stage Harry was giving the band their pep talk as Hermione was warming up her voice, breaking five mirrors in the process.

"Okay gang, listen to them scream out there. It's all for you, well at least the gay guys screaming in the front are for us," said Harry as he hugged his friends.

"Now let's start with someone who will break your glasses, then fix em," said Hagrid, "it's HERMIONE!!!"

Hermione came out onto the stage wearing a sparkling red dress that was too reveling for her body shape. There was a bit of laughter at her attempt to put on make up coming from the back row. Hermione stepped up to the microphone and tapped it.

"Um... This is a song that is really special to me and I'd like to dedicate it to someone special, you know who you are. This is a song by maroon 5." She cleared her throat and began. "Knock on my door Don't feel BeauTYful!" she croaked.

The crowd booed and threw vegetables and baked goods at her as she ran off stage to join the gay men in the front row.

"HARRY AND THE BOBCATS!!!!!!!!" screamed Hermione and the gay men.

"And now on to Harry, Ron, Crabbe, and Goyle with their band HARRY AND THE BOBCATS!!!"

The band ran on stage in pink matching body suits with shining stars on them and pointy, purple witches hats.

"Ready guys?"

"Ready."

"And a 1 and a 2 and a 1, 2, 3!"

_Harry and the Bobcats!_

_Pink suits and Pointy hats_

_Potions and brooms and bats_

_Awesome, josome, and richious song_

_Take a hit, from the bong_

_(hurry hurry)_

_See you all in England_

_Or maybe Transcona_

_We could be in India_

_Or possibly _

_Be with us in Bangcock_

_Makes no difference_

_Everywhere the action's at_

_We're involve with him or Matt_

_(come along now)_

_Harry and the Bobcats_

_No time for slurs or spats_

_Won't run when they hear that!_

_There's when the plate begins_

_Come on, watch the boys spin_

_harry and the Bobcats_

_Harry and the Bobcahhaaaaaaats _

_yeah!_

_(Heh, heh, heh)_

The crowd screamed louder and louder as they walked back stage.

"Harry, Ron, Crabbe, Goyle, awesome job. My name is Michael Lochavio, big time gay band record producer and I would love to sign you up. Who's your manager?"

"Hello, hello, Draco Malfoy's the name and I am the band's sexy, very straight manager," said Draco as he shook Mike's hand.

"Alright then, I'll go get the papers to sign them up," said Mike as he walked off.

"So Draco, you're our manager now. Why?" asked Crabbe.

"Ah you see you would be going on tour which means lots of money and girls in different area codes. Something you wouldn't understand," said Draco. Crabbe nodded his head as the next person went on stage.

"Well this is an awesome start for an awesome band," said Ron.

"Oh yes indeedy," said Harry as they started to make out.

"Well congrats boys, from the way the crowd is responding you've already won!" said McGonagal.

"Thank you professor," said Harry. "Professor? The band and I were wondering if you would come on tour with us and be our tutor?"

"Really? Wow, sure, I would love to!" said Professor McGonagal.

"Well that settles that. Let's go pack, we leave in two days!" said Draco after he'd spoken with the record producer.

As they headed back to their dorms, Harry and Ron bumped into Hermione.

"Congats you guys, I heard you're going on tour," said Hermione.

"Yeah, we're going to pack, you should too," said Harry.

"Why?" asked Hermione.

"Well we need you, you're our best friend!" said Ron.

"Wow, what do I say? Sure, that's awesome I would love to go!" said Hermione as she then dashed up the stairs to her dorm.

Later on that night Hermione went to the headmaster's office to resign her position as head girl. She was really nervous because she thought it would be difficult to fool him. However, when she walked into his office she found him stoned out of his mind.

"Headmaster?" said Hermione.

"Yes?" relied Dumbledor.

"Um, I regret to inform you that I must resign from my position as head girl due to the fact that I found a treasure map that leads to the treasure of an unlimited supply of beer, weed, and cheese," she said.

"AWSOME! Ah, DUDE SURE. Bring me back some ok?" asked Dumbledor.

"Sure thing," said Hermione as she ran out of the office and back to her dorm.

Two days later...

"So are we ready to go?!" asked Harry.

"Just let me check my stuff once more," said Ron. "Okay let's see, lube, vibrator, pink t-shirts, short shots, condoms, porn videos, and anal beads. Okay, I'm ready."

"Alright, now let's let our awesome adventure begin!"

Everyone finished packing their bags and took them out to the front steps. Waiting for them was the band's tour bus. It was a quadruple Decker, bright pink, shaped like a bobcat, bespeckled work of art according to Ron that had the words 'Harry and the Bobcats' splashed all over the side.

"Well, everyone get in and let's get this show on the road" cried McGonagal. They all cheered and got in.

The bus was thundering along on it's way to Surrey where they would be paying the first show. Everyone was getting bored so Crabbe suggested a nice, harmless game of strip exploding snap. the band and Hermione all cheered. Even McGonagal perked up at the suggestion.

"Oh no," said Draco when Harry dealt him a hand. "I don't fancy seeing you lot naked and I don't need any of you knowing what I look like in boxers."

"Your loss Malfoy," said Ron. "I hope you enjoy your lonely boredom."

"I'll enjoy it well enough. Better than the equivalent of you playing with a bunch of horny girls."

Ron shuddered. "Stop putting such evil thoughts in my head Malfoy!" he wined.

Draco smirked as he went up to the third level.

A few minutes later Harry was struggling out of his leather pants while everyone else whistled.

"I suck at this game," he said.

"That's not the only thing you suck," replied Ron.

Crabbe and Goyle snickered.

"Hey Weasly!" came a call from up stairs, "I've looked through all your porn videos and they're _all_ gay! Don't you have any with chicks in them?"

Why would I want those?" was Ron's response. "Do I seem like that type to you?"

"Well if your wardrobe says anything, no."

"Thank you. That's what I thought."

"Er- if you're all done," said Harry, "Could someone give me a hand with these pants?" They all dove for him.

All right, so how did you all like that chapter? I can't say when the next one will be out. Maybe when we get a few reviews. Don't forget our contest peoples! Thanks to _its me baby me_ for your review, glad you liked it.

Now for a sneek a peek to the next chapter:

"Oh my," said McGonagal. "Ten points to Gryffindor for these stylish underpants!"

"Alright professor, you've had enough to drink now."


	3. Harry and Ron are Busy

Wow. It's been a really long time since we last updated, eh? Well we don't really have an excuse but for laziness. So here is the next chapter!

CHAPTER FOUR: IN WHICH MASSIVE TOUR BUSES SEEM TOO SMALL

The game progressed long into the night.

"You lose Goyle! Pants off!" cried Ron.

Goyle smiled shyly then stood up and took off his pants, while everyone laughed. Hermione was laughing the hardest until she passed out.

"Oh my," said McGonagal. "10 points to Gryffindor for those stylish underpants!"

"Alright professor, you've had enough to drink now."

"Yeah, Goyle's not in Gryffindor!" remarked Ron, missing the point as usual.

"You can never have enough! How dare you tell me what to do, ahrrg you made me angry! You wouldn't like me when I am angry! ROAR!" McGonagal's skin started to turn green as she started smashing things. Draco went down to check out what the noise was, took one look at McGonagal, and walked back upstairs, deciding he really didn't want to know what was going on.

The next day at about 2:00 when everyone was starting to feel a bit better, except McGonagal who was still green, Draco decided to write a letter to some of the Slytherins back at Hogwarts to let them know what they were missing. He sat down on his armchair and heard a faint crinkling noise. He reached under the cushion and pulled out a paper bag.

"Weasley?" he called. "What the fuck is this bag?"

Ron came upstairs, looked at it and said, "Oh that! My Keanu Reeves paper bag. Me and Harry like to role play with that at times."

Draco dropped the bag with disgust. "So how'd it end up on MY chair?" he asked.

"We just drop them where we end up," Ron replied.

"So then…OH MY GOD!" Draco leapt out of his chair. "Don't ever – I can't believe you – erg, now I have to burn this chair! Fuck! Where haven't you – uhh!"

"Well, um, let's see." Ron had to think for about five minutes before he said, "Well… Um, your bed I think – no, no, never mind. OH! The top level of the bus – your playroom with all your girl pictures. It's too much of a turn off."

Draco just stood there in disgust, then grabbed the febreze and went to the top level screaming.

The next morning Draco came downstairs spraying febreze on the floor before he'd put his foot down.

"Hey Malfoy, why are you all blistered?" asked Hermione.

"Well I was bathing in turpentine and trying to figure out how to wash the thoughts of Potter and Weasley out of my head when that fucking leprechaun showed up ad told me to burn the dancing cactus. So obviously I grabbed my lighter and waved it around that damned cactus and the next thing I knew, the bath was full of fire! Now I look so ugly I could cry. Except I'm not such a pussy like Weasley and Potter."

"Well don't worry, I can change all that with a simple spell," said Hermione as she pulled out her wand. "Fixus Reparus Sexinessus," she said while performing a complicated pattern of wand waving. There was a flash of light and Draco's sexiness was clear once more.

"Oh my God! Thank you so much!" he cried and he febrezed his way out the door.

At the hardware store…

"So tell me, why does this ladder cost £5000 and how much is that in galleons?"

"Sir, for the last time, that is £50 because it is the regular price for this size of ladder and I really don't know what galleons are!"

"So why does this ladder cost £5000 and how much is that in galleons?"

"Sir! I don't have time for this!"

"So why does this – hey, don't walk away from me! The customer is always right! Fine, you go back to – whatever you do, obviously not helping people who come into your store. I'll just take this ladder and," Draco tucked the ladder under his arm and turned around, toppling shelves and breaking everything in it's path, "leave." Then he left the store.

When Draco got back to the bus, he leaned the ladder against the side of the bus, strapped on his newly purchased oxygen tank, and climbed up to the top level – his safety zone.

Three weeks later…

"Mr. Potter, I flooed you on some very important business. Could you please refrain from touching Mr. Weasley until this meeting is over!"

"Sorry Mr. Lochavio."

"Well anyway, you've missed your first two concerts! Where the hell were you?"

"Well you see, err, Ron and I were, ah, preoccupied. Malfoy normally reminds us of important dates since he's our manager, but he's locked himself in on the top floor and refuses to come out."

"I'm not impressed. I made so many excuses trying to cover your asses, not to mention mine. I hate making excuses! I have to think and I don't like that! If Harry and the Bobcats don't get their acts together, you'll just be out of here. Back at school, quick as that."

"I'm really sorry."

"I don't want to hear it. Show up at your next concert or I'll have your ears and tails. And those pointy hats too!"

"What about our body suits?"

"Body suits? Err… umm… What have I told you about me and thinking! I don't like it!" With a pop, his head was gone from the fireplace.

Ooooo, what's going to happen next? Will Harry and the Bobcats survive? Stay tuned for the next chapter, and don't forget to review! Just because we don't write very fast doesn't mean you shouldn't.


	4. Is That a Faint Plotlike Thing I See?

Okay, we're back to give you more of those wonderful singers you love! So read and enjoy!

"Harry!" exclaimed Ron. "He doesn't like us anymore!" Then Ron burst into tears.

"There, there Ron. He doesn't- he… He hates us and we're not going to have a job anymore!" Harry joined Ron in his crying.

"Just get your acts together, go to your next concert, and make it your absolute best!" cried Hermione enthusiastically.

"Fuck off bitch! It's not your band that's in trouble!" yelled Crabbe.

"Don't talk to her like that! She's the only girl we like even if it's in a non-sexual way!" screamed Ron.

Hermione blushed and said, "Thanks Ron! I really like you guys too, but I do like other guys. You don't have to be so loyal to me!"

Everyone ignored Hermione and her stupid comment, which really wasn't all that uncommon these days.

"Don't talk to my Crabby-poo like that you poor son of a bitch!" shouted Goyle as he rubbed Crabbe's back soothingly.

"Everyone!" came a call from the top of the stairs. "Have some hats!" Draco stumbled down part of the staircase before he fell the rest of the way, landing in a heap at the foot of the stairs.

Hermione hurried to help Draco up and guided him to the nearest chair. He fell into it and pulled Hermione down with him.

"Hello Clara," he slurred. "No, no, it's Elena right? No, I'll get this one, just wait for it. Janelle! No – Fenny right? Ha ha ha, I'm not so drunk I can't remember my lovely Phoebe. Or who ever the fuck you are. I'm so pissed." Draco stared sullenly at the ground still trying to figure out who was sitting on him and if it mattered.

"You know," said Harry, "maybe Malfoy's got the right idea."

"We should all call each other by the wrong names?" asked Ron. "Okay. That could work. Good Idea… Harold."

"No, no. They've got to be better than that!" said Crabbe, brightening considerably. "Call him… umm… Hair… knee. Harney!"

"Okay! Good idea Harney!"

"No, not that," said Harry. "The getting drunk bit. We should do that."

"Sounds good!" said Ron.

And then they all drank till they passed out. But not before having a massive gay orgy as Hermione and Draco had passed out before then.

Two days later, they had all sobered up and gotten over their hangovers so Draco decided to call a band meeting.

"Okay guys, I really don't give a shit what you sing or even if you sing, but if you get sent back to Hogwarts, I'll have to give up this life that suits me so well. That would suck for me and more importantly, it would suck for all the poor girls out there that won't ever get to spend time with me. So, all of you stop this selfish and constant fucking and get some singing and whatever else you do done," Draco told the assembled members of Harry and the Bobcats.

"You know, I think you're right Malfoy," remarked Harry. "We really should get some more songs written. I mean we only wrote one this summer, so I don't know why we were going to put on concerts."

"Well I never said anything about writing songs, but you can always give me credit for good shit I didn't do."

"Malfoy, you do everything!" cried Ron, not realizing that his comment really didn't make a hell of a lot of sense.

"Actually, I - unlike you – don't do anything with cocks. So I really only do half of everything. Oh, I also don't do old people or animals. Or dead or never alive things. So basically, just young women. But not that young, I'm not some fucked pedophile like Snape." Malfoy shuddered and looked like he was about to throw up.

"Ummm… that's really fucked," said Harry disgustedly. "So anyway, our next concert isn't for two weeks. Seeing as how we're magic and all, I figure we could try to write and learn a few more songs by then. So let's all go do some brainstorming and meet again next week with our finished songs."

"I believe that you have some very unrealistic goals for your band Harry. Writing songs doesn't happen just like that you know. At least it doesn't according to the books that I've read about music in the library," commented Hermione.

"Well I see the know-it-all groupie just had to add her two bits. Why are you even here? Last time I checked, you aren't in the band. So just shut up. And would it kill you to be drunk a bit more often. I can't stand you when you're sober," said Draco.

"What's your problem Malfoy?" asked Ron. "You think you're so much better than her because she has magically challenged parents, but it's not her fault you know."

"Ron, you sound like an idiot," Hermione told him. "First off, Malfoy didn't say anything about my parents, and second, they're muggles, not magically challenged. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think you're getting thicker by the minute. Personally, I put all the blame squarely on your associating with those two." Hermione gestured to Crabbe (who was biting his nails – toe nails that is) and Goyle (who was trying to mine nose gold from Harry).

"Greg!" said Draco sharply. "What have I told you? You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but for the love of all that is still sane, don't pick your friend's nose!"

Goyle stopped when he heard this and looked sad. Harry looked like he had stared death in the face and realized he'd rather die than have someone else's fingers in his nostrils.

"Right," said Harry when he'd recovered slightly. "Let's go off to very separate parts of the bus and write some songs guys!"

Harry was having a bit of trouble writing his song. It was day five of brainstorming and he was crumpling up his fifth sheet of lyrics that day. The tune had come to him right away, but the words just weren't working. He wanted something that was catchy like his brilliant tune, but that would be unique like their band. Something that said, "we like men". But "we like men" is a terrible song lyric. Harry threw the crumpled sheet into the trashcan and put his head on the desk.

Ron had sat down to brainstorm – really he had – but then his comic book stack had distracted him. After that it was his chocolate frog cards. Then there was that funny birthmark on his left big toe that had never been that interesting before, but damn, if you look at it with your eyes sort of squinted, it looked like the head of a duck. Then, if you tilted your head to the side and kept your eyes squinted, it looked like the head of a rabbit! Would the wonders never cease?

Crabbe didn't really understand the whole concept of brainstorming. He knew storms involved rain (generally) and he knew your brain was in your head. So maybe what he was supposed to do was put water into his head! But how to get it in? He had tried his nose, his eyes, and his mouth and they hadn't worked. Wait! What about his ears?

Goyle sat down to write his song and thought about what he liked to listen to. Techno with a capital T. The coolest music ever. Well, that's about that. He would write a Techno song.

Soooooooo, the band is writing more songs eh? That sounds kind of like the plot starting to move along! And we updated so quickly too! Will the wonders never cease?

Thank you so much to Szlayer for the review! Great to hear that people are reading the story and not killing themselves in disgust. So if you are not angry from the tasteless humour in our story, please, please review! We are sad, pathetic losers who feed off reviews. Actually that's a lie. But we really like them.

Oh yeah, and it's my birthday tomorrow! You know what would make an awesome gift? Reviewing and then telling all you're friends about how cool this story is and how all the cool kids are reading it and don't they want to be cool and popular too and it doesn't do anything bad to you, really, common, are you chicken or something? PEER PRESSURE!


	5. Song Brainstorming Week Comes to a Close

Here we are with the last chapter I will be typing for the summer. I'm off to work at a summer camp and I'm sure I'll have just a spiffy time with all the whining children and no computer. Wish me luck!

Day six of song brainstorming week as Harry had begun calling it was coming to a close. The reason he had bothered to come up with a name for something that didn't in anyway need a name was because he still couldn't think of any words to go with the tune he had. He had tried listening to other music for inspiration, but that had been a huge failure. The only good thing that had come of it was his realization that his song needed a subject. A fantasy person for the band to sing about. Harry looked down at the list of possible names for this person and the comments he'd written beside them.

David – what could the song be about? Giants? To cliché

Stuart – Hee Hee, mice.

Nathan – who calls their kids Nathan? Well, lots of people actually.

Matthew – the cat sat on the Matt.

Pierre – where did this one come from anyway?

Robaire – do I have a thing for French people? I also think I spelled this wrong.

Bob – I like the simplicity and the way it's spelled the same front and back.

Ron – sexy name, but a bit distracting I think. Also, Ron can't be singing about himself, that would be weird.

Harry finally decided that his comments for the name Bob were the best of the bunch. Now he had a tune, and a name. This was a very good start, he told himself as he went to bed.

Ron was having a little bit of trouble. To be perfectly honest, when they'd written the first song that summer he hadn't helped in the slightest. He had no idea how to write songs, but he didn't want to let Harry down. It was quite the dilemma. Well, he cheated on schoolwork, why couldn't he cheat on this? Ron ran to got his latest record of his favourite band Ghotti. He spent the next few hours listening to it before remembering he had to copy out the lyrics.

Crabbe was having trouble getting any water into his ears. He had first tried just splashing the water into his ear, but that wasn't working. Then he tried tilting his head and pouring water from a bottle into his ear. That was a spectacular failure as well. Putting his head under the tap hadn't worked either. Crabbe was stubbornly certain that the way to get water into his head was through his ears, so he decided to sleep on it and maybe the answer would come to him in to morning.

Goyle was having very little difficulty writing his techno songs. He had done five so far and he thought they were pretty good if he did say so himself. He wondered how the other members of his band were doing with their brainstorming and song writing. He was starting to get a bit worried that they would all show up with ten songs each and he would only have his five. They would all think he was a stupid slacker! That's what most people at school thought, and everyone knows that when a lot of your peers think something, it is probably the right thing to think. In fact, you should always listen to your peers and let them decide for you if something is worth doing or knowing.

When Harry woke up the next morning he felt energized and inspired. He was pretty sure that something had come in his sleep and given him a brilliant idea. Harry ran to his desk and starting writing right away. It took three drafts to get it just right, but when he did, he leaned back and looked it over, clearly satisfied.

**Harry and the Bobcats – Mmm Bob Lyrics**

You have so many relationships in this life

Only one or two will last

You're going through all this pain and strife

Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast

And they're gone so fast

So hold on the ones who really care

In the end they'll be the only ones there

When you get old and start losing your hair

Can you tell me who will still care

Can you tell me who will still care

Refrain:

Mmm Bob, on top of you Bob,

Mmm Bob, you do that great Bob,

Mmm Bob, all night long Bob,

Yeah, yeah!

Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose

You can plant any one of those

Keep planting to find out which one grows

It's a secret no one knows

It's a secret no one knows

In an mm Bob I am gone, in an mmm Bob I'm not there

In an mm Bob I am gone, in an mmm Bob I'm not there

While you stroke my hair

Because you care

Refrain

Can you tell me? You say you can but you don't know

Can you tell me which flower's going to grow?

Can you tell me if it's going to be a daisy or a rose?

Can you tell me which flower's going to grow?

Can you tell me? You say you can but you don't knooowwww… Bob!

Ron was humming along to the record he was listening to while he copied out the words. When it got to his favourite part he started singing out loud.

"But he smiles all the same, Says something about control, Says I choose, To be this way you see, This is all I know"

When Ron finished copying the lyrics out, he smiled and stretched out for a nap. Things seemed to be going pretty okay for him.

Like Harry, when Crabbe woke up he felt inspired and had a brilliant plan for the brainstorming problem. All he really needed was funnel…

Goyle was frantically trying to write more songs. He had thought up two new ones while he was lying in bed but he was having a bit of trouble getting them onto the paper. He rubbed his face with his hands and blinked a few times before trying again. He could really only hope that maybe the rest of the band would forgive him for only writing seven songs while they had all written ten each. Maybe they wouldn't though, he thought anxiously. All the more reason for making sure these two were done and done well.

So, here I leave you for the summer and I also leave my computer. This is a very depressing moment. So good-bye, have a wonderful summer all of you, and please, please, please, don't forget to review. If you ask nicely enough, trunksgirl69 might update while I'm away. And thank you so much to Lefty for the great review!


	6. band meeting

Hello everyone I'm writing this at camp and it has gotten to you through a very complicated mailing process so enjoy and review.

Trunks-girl69:Ya very complicated mailing process of giving it to ur sister to give to me to type it and post it right! Very complicated for u I can see anywayz ur home now cause I procrastinated so long lol it been sitting and waiting for one of those lazy days enjoy pplz

Harry had finished his song and looked it over happily so he decided to take a short nap before calling a band meeting. He put his glasses on his desk and was pulling his shirt over his head when the door slammed open.

"Stop stripping this second!" screamed Draco. "I really don't need to see that!"

Harry pulled his shirt back on, grabbed his glasses and said, "What are you doing here Malfoy? Are you drunk or something?"

"Well I decided to be an actual part of this band and make you all show up to the meeting I've called. Now I'm starting to think I should have just put up with Granger and McGonagall instead. As to whether I'm drunk or not, I'm not but if things go well I will soon be and maybe I'll forget seeing you without your clothes on!" Draco shuddered.

"I was wearing clothes! I haven't even taken my shirt of all the way!"

"Doesn't matter I still was too much. Now come on, we have to get the others." Harry followed Draco to Ron's room. Draco opened the door with a bang and quickly covered his eyes.

"Potter you have to look for me! Please tell me he's decent!" Draco cried. Then added, "You know if it weren't for the fact that this is Weasley and he is probably slower than a flobber worm I would be worried about him turning that one on me. I really would have walked into that one. Please tell me he's decent! I need to think a little bit more quickly." Harry looked at Draco oddly before turning to Ron.

"Hey Ron," Harry said softly to the sleeping figure on the bed. Ron snored gently.

"Ron," Harry tired again, a bit louder this time as he sat on the edge of the bed. Harry shook his shoulder and he blearily opened his eyes.

"Harry!" said Ron.

"Hey! Malfoy called a band-" Harry was cut off by Ron sitting up to kiss him. Ron took off Harry's glasses and he kissed Ron back.

"GHKJFNLTIN!" Draco screamed, "This is neither the time nor company to be doing that in!" Harry pulled away from Ron and rolled his eyes.

"Fine whatever! Let's go get the other two and start this meeting," he said. They walked over to Crabbe's room next and threw the door open. Crabbe jumped up and his left hand flew down. This wouldn't have been very big problem if he hadn't been holding a funnel in his left hand that was slightly inside his ear. This meant that said funnel was shoved deep into Crabbe's ear quickly and painfully. Crabbe screamed as the blood started pouring out of his ear. Actually he didn't scream so much as look up in wild surprise, but for Crabbe this was a huge reaction. Ron shrieked and Harry fainted.

"Who, calm down there Vince!" said Draco as he moved forward and pulled the funnel from his friend's ear. "I mean, its nothing that can be fixed right? So just calm yourself down before I start getting worried."

Crabbe's eyes slowly returned to the dull lifelessness that they typically were.

"Great," said Draco. "Now let's wake up Potter and go get Greg. We're having a band meeting." Luckily, Crabbe had a lot of water in his room so they dumped a few buckets full on Harry's head to wake him up. After that they headed to Goyle's room.

Draco decided that his grand entrance would have to be a bit less grand this time or he might risk injuring his other friend. He opened the door gently only to see a sobbing, shaking Goyle curled up in a ball in the middle of the room.

"What's wrong with you Greg?" asked Draco. Goyle stopped rocking and looked up at them.

"Ungh!" he chocked out before he lurched toward his band mates and started crying at their feet mumbling. The only words anyone could make out were 'three less', 'let down', and something about purple monkeys in a dishwasher. They may have heard that last bit wrong though it could have been 'putrid monkeys'

"Mental, that one," said Ron.

Draco sneered at Ron and told him, "Get some new lines Weasley. That ones as old as if I mentioned your hair colour and the state of your wardrobe."

"Er…"

"Are you trying to take the trophy for being the stupidest thing to walk the earth away from Hagrid? Because at this rate you going they'll give it to you and tell the rest of the world to stop trying. Now let's get Greg calmed down so that we can start out meeting!"

Same time later they were all tired, but ready to begin the meeting.

"Okay," said Draco, "Let's start. Who actually bothered to write any songs or at least come up with ideas?" Harry, Ron and Goyle put up their hands. Crabbe looked surprised. So did Draco.

"Really? Well do your show and tell then," said Draco.

"I'll go first," said Ron. Harry beamed at him while he began but his smile quickly changed into a scowl.

"Ron," said Harry, "You didn't write that song everyone knows it. I don't know what you're thinking. Goyle why don't you share your original songs?" Goyle shared his seven songs.

"Um… Goyle those are all techno songs. We're not a techno group," said Harry.

"So?" said Draco, "You aren't a good group either but that hasn't stopped you at all. Why should the type of music you have stop you?"

"Well I guess they're good songs and we could use some more of those," said Harry.

"Good job Goyle."

"Alright Potter, lets see this grand song you've written," said Draco.

Harry shared his song. Crabbe and Goyle looked impressed. Draco definitely didn't. Ron looked angry.

"Potter this song makes no sense! Look at this part-" Draco started.

"Who's this wanker Bob? Why haven't I heard of him? Where did you meet him? And when for that matter?" shouted Ron.

"Don't be stupid Ron, Bob doesn't exist!" said Harry.

"Oh, you'd like me to believe that!"

Harry and Ron started into a massive argument.

Uh oh what will happen to Harry and Ron and what problems are ahead of us in this great story of Harry and the bobcats now that I have finally finished typing it in 2 the time it would take AlexaR CAUSE SHE SUCKS AT TYPING AND I RULE! BLAH! Hehe and I bet u can wait till the chapters ahead our story has some amazing twists and turns and funny..ness anywayz I am going to start on the next chapter I hope u enjoy it! Later pplz – trunks-girl69

EDIT: I've fixed all the things Trunksgirl69 did so no more worries.

-AlexaR


	7. thunder stealing

Well, well it's the 7th chapter of Harry and the bobcats I am planning on starting a new contest since our last one is over and congrats to BestSkeptic for begin the winner look for her in the upcoming chapters lol so ya in this new contest the person to have the best review gets to be a pool girl/ pool boy in our last and final chapter so start reviewing and remember to sign it so we know ur **your** name and somewhere state if ur **you're** a guy or girl so we know lol or we will make u a creepy delivery guy. Anywayz on with the story – Trunks-girl69, oh and AlexaR wants to be special and add a disclaimer for the songs that we did like 2 chapters ago lol.

We do not own the songs Mmmbob and Harry and the bobcats they are just original songs we fixed to fit our funny bone and make the songs better. We thank the creators of Josie and the pussycats and Hanson for creating crappy songs for us to twiddle in our fingers. Well that solves it here's the story.

AlexaR thinks my disclaimer sucks so lets let the public decide here's hers below.

We do not own the songs Mmmbob and Harry and the bobcats. We did fix them though. So thanks to the creators of Josie and the pussycats and Hanson for creating lousy songs for us to make better and let the best band ever pass off as theirs. Now here is more of that great story you all love.

The band's first concert was tonight and while things weren't looking up for Harry and the Bobcats, Draco was fine. Every girl in town already, mostly because of his hot good looks and his being the only straight guy on the Harry and the Bobcats tour bus, was laying him. Ron was still mad at Harry, Crabbe was finally recovering from his brainstorm and McGonagall was still drunk. No surprises there.

"Ron you must forgive Harry for cheating on you-" said Goyle before Harry interrupted him.

"I didn't cheat on him Bob doesn't exist. Nope, nadda, not at all. All in my mind my crazy mind where I fly on a broom stick and cast majic spells with my 2 friends and my other friend is a giant, oh wait crazy slurs," rambled Harry.

"Ok whatever; forgive him he's a wreck!"

"Why should I? If he wants to be with bob cause he's so great then let him."

"THERE'S NO BOB twitch BLEEDING UNICORN!" Harry sat in a corner twitching and rocking back and forth as Draco walked into the tour bus.

"Ok guys I brought presents to get you guys ready for the show, Harry here's some dru- chocolate frogs to calm you down." Draco said as he gave Harry 3 frogs.

"Mmmm chocolate twitch but right now the only thing to calm me down right would be the lovely taste in my mouth of Ron's di-" Draco covered Harry's mouth quickly.

"I am not listening to that shit potter eat your frogs! Crabbe here's your ear medicine, a six-pack for McGonagall, Prozac for Goyle. Oh Granger they ran out of stupid juice,"

"Oh darn, how I am I supposed to finish my potion now!" Hermione said as she slapped her knee.

"Improvise I guess. Oh and Weasley your to poor to pay me back so you get nothing! Now get ready because you'd better show up tonight. There is no way I am going back to fucking school because of you four!"

That night….

The crowd was screaming as the last strains of music ended.

"Thank you!" cried the boys in stage, "Thank you so much. You're a great crowd!"

They ran off stage and the announcer said, "That was the Backdoor Boys! Now here's Cradle of Filth!"

The moment the band started playing their heavy metal music the crowd started throwing large objects at them. When a security guard was thrown onto one of the band members they decided that it was time to make their exit.

"Lets go guys," they said, and then they joined the group of girls in the crowd and screamed with the entire audience for Harry and the Bobcats.

"Okay!" said the announcer. "Well I guess that means that it is time for the band you all came here to see…HARRY AND THE BOBCATS!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" The crowd screamed.

The boys ran out and stood across the stage facing the back. The lights dimmed, the crowd settled, the music started swelling, and the smoke rolled over the stage. Then with one note, Harry and the Bobcats jumped around to face the front and started dancing and singing. The crowd went crazy.

"Harry and the Bobcats! Yeah!"

The crowd went crazy and the boys bowed. Nobody noticed that Harry's eyes seemed somewhat glazed over. Draco might have given him a bit to much dru…um… chocolate Frogs. Harry then started to play his new son Mmmbob that drove Ron mad but since he didn't want to ruin the show for his adoring fans and Cradle of Filth, he decided that he'd yell at Harry later. Harry danced and sang and everyone loved the song. They screamed louder and louder. As Harry danced in front of Ron like he had the string of a marionette, Ron was filled with rage but he noticed the glazed eyes and decided to ignore it. Unfortunately someone didn't like it.

Crabbe threw Harry to the ground and started beating him screaming, "THAT'S MY DANCE MOVE NOT YOURS STOP STEALING MY THUNDER" The music stopped and the security guards came on stage and tried to pull Crabbe of Harry but nothing stopped him then Draco came on stage and shot him with horse tranquilizer.

"ROAR," Crabbe went down and fell asleep.

"I would have come sooner but the site of Potter getting the crap kicked out of him! I had to take pictures," laughed Draco. Ron felt bad that Harry got hurt but decided that he deserved it. He was stealing Crabbe's thunder and he always seems to get all the attention. He had it coming.

A few weeks later after one of their concerts the band was getting drunk in the tour bus on their way to their second last concert. Well, the band minus Ron. He was still sulking in his room. The drugs were finally out of Harry and he felt bad so he decided to go cheer up Ron with his Potter charm.

Ron had cried himself to sleep before Harry walked in. Harry sat on the side of the bed looking at his boyfriend who was lying on a pillow soaked with tears. Harry started to undress and once he was naked he jumped into bed with Ron and started kissing his neck. Ron woke up to the warm feeling of Harry's body. He could hardly resist the happy feeling that being with Harry gave him, but he knew he had to.

"Harry not now," Ron said.

"Why not?"

"I am not in the mood."

"Since when are you not in the mood?"

"SINCE NOW!" yelled Ron.

"Oh come on baby" Harry started taking off Ron's shirt.

"No Harry, stop it"

"You know you want it," said Harry as he kept forcing Ron's shirt off.

"NOOOO!" screamed Ron as he turned around and slapped Harry. Harry fell off the bed and stood up.

"Ok I just wanted to make you feel better is all I'll just leave sniffle, sniffle, tear…"

"Are you going?"

"Just a second sniffle, sniffle. Okay I'm good."

Harry left the room and Ron lay in bed listening to the sounds outside of his room.

"AHHHHH FUCK AHHHHH POTTER PUT ON SOME DAMN CLOTHES!" screamed Draco as he started running threw the halls of the bus repeating, "Naked Potter, Naked Potter, need to see naked girls!" He ran into the bathroom to see Hermione naked.

"Ahhh," he said in relief. "Granger…OH MY GOD NO! NAKED GRANGER!"

Hermione just stood there looking puzzled while Draco paced the halls saying, "Where's McGonagall?"

Ahhh the end to a semi long almost short chapter Thanks to BestSkeptic for inspiring us to write another lovely chapter to out story and to let everyone else know that they can attempt to win our inspirations and love if u review as well so come on people review and maybe you will be the winner of our next chapter later pplz.

EDIT: All fixed up now I think. Remember trunksgirl69, periods do not come but once a month.

-AlexaR


	8. I'm back!

Okay… so how long has it been? Way too long, that's for sure. Trunks-girl69 my oh so faithful co-author has completely ditched me (the last few chapters have been all me) so it didn't come as a surprise when I ran out of ideas. What did come as a surprise was when she refused to give me a hand continuing. Lazy, lazy friend. So after much effort I am proud to present the next instalment, and the introduction (however briefly) of our loyal reviewer. There will be another chapter out shortly, but after that… no promises. I'll do my best to not leave it off for a year or so again.

………………………………

When Harry and his band boarded their tour bus after their final concert, they all felt a mixture of relief and despair. Ron was especially grateful for the fact that once they got back to school, he wouldn't have to stay in close quarters with Harry for as long as he did while they were on tour. The two still hadn't reconciled, choosing to ignore each other instead.

"So," said Draco when the bus had started moving. "Back to school."

"Yes, and I've fallen so far behind!" cried Hermione in a panic. "How will I ever catch up? McGonagall has been incredibly useless in preparing us for our NEWTs!"

"Oh relax," Draco told her. "Have you taken a good look around the school lately? I don't think your NEWT marks will affect anything."

"Of course they'll affect anything! They'll effect everything! My whole future hinges on how well I do!"

"No, it doesn't."

"Yes it does!"

"No. It doesn't!"

"Yes. IT DOES!"

"So… How about this weather?" cut in Goyle.

"Sure is something," agreed Ron.

"All that rain. Coming out of clouds," remarked Harry.

"Why are you still here Harry?" asked Ron. "Don't you have a Bob to go fuck?"

"How many times do I have to tell you? There. Is. No. Bob!"

"How about this road?" asked Draco. "All wet from the rain. Sure is something."

"Sure is," agreed Goyle.

"There is so a Bob! Why would you write a song about someone who never existed?"

"Fuck this," said Draco. "I'm going to go drink with McGonagall."

The Harry and the Bobcats tour bus pulled up in front of the doors to Hogwarts at 8:00 in the morning. As each member of the tour stepped off, they said a silent goodbye to the way of life they'd been enjoying for the past four months. Except for McGonagal that is.

"No! I will not leave. Keep back, you fiend!" McGonagal screeched at Hagrid from the corner of her room where she crouched, clutching her bottles of vodka and rum possessively.

"Think of the students, Minerva!" Her co-worker argued. "Dumbledore's taken your class over in your absence, and so far all they've learned to do is blow smoke rings and rave under the compelling influence of E."

"All I ever do is think of the students! I stay," she shuddered, "_sober_ in class, I take and give points fairly, I provide them with an education, I do everything for them! What do I get in return? Nothing! Here, I am appreciated for my engaging personality when intoxicated and for the way I am such a cheap drunk! Two beers, they call me! I am loved, Hagrid! Can't you see that the school has nothing for me?"

"I didnt want to do this, Minerva," Hagrid said softly, pulling out the tranquillizer gun. "You leave me with no choice."

"Wait! cut in Draco, who'd returned to the bus to watch the show. "She's my teacher. I'll shoot her."

Draco sprang off the bus behind Hagrid who carried McGonnagal and joined his classmates.

"Well," he said. "Here we are. Back at the good old school."

"Shut up, Malfoy. Let's just go in." Harry started walking up the stairs dejectedly and even Draco had to admit that he missed the fun loving Harry of the fall. That Harry was infinitely more fun than emo Harry. I mean really, who likes emos?

The six teens arrived at the top of the stairs when the doors burst open and a huge crowd of screaming fans came rushing out to greet them.

"OHMYGODILOVEYOUGUYSIWISHIWASAGUYSOICOULDBEYOURSEXSLAVE!!" one girl screeched at the band.

"FUCKOFFBITCHTHEY'RESOMINE!" screamed another girl. The two girls launched into a girl fight that involved a lot of hair pulling and stripping.

Draco was really enjoying himself at this point so he was more than a bit peeved when Hagrid scooped up him, Harry, the Bobcats, and Hermione and carried them to Dumbledore's office.

"What are you doing you giant moron?!" Draco asked. "Did you not see all the horny, half naked girls back there?"

"Trust me, Draco. You didn't want to stay there. There's only a slim chance you'd have made it out alive."

"Don't tell me what I want! Nobody tells Draco Malfoy what he wants! Especially not giant oafs who've mysteriously become articulate. What's up with that anyway?"

Hagrid shrugged and lumbered out of the office.

"Phht!" said Draco. Then he turned to the headmaster's desk and got such a surprise that if he had been sitting on a chair, he would have fallen off it. As it was, he just fell to the floor from a standing position, his eyes wide with shock. There was a girl sitting in Dumbledore's chair.

DumDumDumDum!! I'm sure none of you can wait until the next update now… right? Okay, maybe not. Although I only have a few more things to fix up and it will be up, so there shouldn't be too long a wait. I'll also try to coerce my co-author into helping me again.


	9. Lauren Antoinette Crystal Miriam

Reminder from last chapter:

"_Phht!" said Draco. Then he turned to the headmaster's desk and got such a surprise that if he had been sitting on a chair, he would have fallen off it. As it was, he just fell to the floor from a standing position, his eyes wide with shock. There was a girl sitting in Dumbledore's chair_.

"Who is this girl, Draco?" asked Goyle.

"She says she's a fee-on-say," added Crabbe. "I don't have any gold on me though so I can't get her to say."

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no…" muttered Draco, still seated on the floor.

"Allow me to introduce myself," interjected the enigmatic girl in a voice that whispered like the summer's breeze dancing through a field of bluebells. It sent gentle shivers up and down the spines of every person in the room. "I am Lauren Antoinette Crystal Miriam Juliet Opal Boleyn-Slytherin-Riddle, Lady of the Night, Mistress of Evil, Heir to Hogwarts, the Darklord, and the world."

There was silence for a full five seconds and then Ron and Goyle started snickering, Crabbe wandered off to admire the shinies in the corner, Draco got up off the floor, Harry left for a bathroom break, and Hermione asked, "So who has to die before you inherit the Darklord?"

Lauren sent Hermione a look of pure loathing and said, "Don't be stupid. I'm the Darklord's heir. Or did you miss the 'Slytherin-Riddle' part of my name? I realize, of course, that it might be difficult for a mudblood like yourself to comprehend."

"To begin with," retorted Hermione, "it isn't common knowledge that You-know-who used to go by the name of Tom Riddle, nor is it common knowledge that he's the heir of Slytherin. Secondly-"

"Look, Granger," cut in Draco. "I've already had the logic discussion with you. Now stop trying to explain to her that she shouldn't exist – I've already tried it and it didn't work. Now she's even shown up here!"

"What? I'm surprised, Draco. No kiss for your future wife, now this? Aren't you happy to see me?" Lauren asked, slinking toward her quarry.

"Stay away from me you demon!" Draco cried, backing away and making the sign of the cross with his fingers. "The power of Christ compels you! Get back, witch!"

"Give me a break you loser. You aren't Christian."

"Well I celebrate Christmas, don't I?"

"Speaking of which, you'd better be giving me a nice gift. Christmas is only a few days away."

"Why won't you just leave me alone?" Draco whined.

"You weren't talking like that a few months ago when I was fucking your brains out."

"Well I thought you were just another girl who couldn't wait to get a piece of me a few months ago."

"Look at me, Draco. Do I look like just one of those pathetic girls who will do anything to get with you?" Lauren gestured to her knee length, raven black tresses that blew off her face in her own personal breeze, to her ivory skin that glowed like the moonlight, to her blue-black eyes that glittered like diamonds, and to her body with curves in all the right places, and other than a barely perceptible bump on her abdomen, none in the wrong.

"I think you look kind of freaky," Ron offered.

"Well nobody asked you!" Lauren shot back angrily.

Ron shrugged and left with Crabbe and Goyle to make card houses. Hermione tried to follow them out, but Draco grabbed her wrist.

"Don't leave me alone with her, Granger!"

"I really don't want to get involved."

"She has sex magic! You don't understand, I look at her and suddenly I want to go to bed with her."

"It's called a vagina, Malfoy. You look at anyone with one and the next thing you know you're raring to go."

"That's not true! I've never felt the least attracted to you! Wait – are you a hermaphrodite? Because a penis would actually explain a lot."

"That's it, I'm leaving."

"Noooo!!!! You can't! She's pure evil! Don't go through that door! No, no! Stop! Come back! ... come baaaack…"

"You're such a whiner, Draco," Lauren commented.

"Am not."

Lauren rolled her eyes. "Why don't you show me around this place? I've decided to register for classes here."

"Why? It's not like you need the education. You can do _wandless_ magic. I mean, give me a break! Wandless magic is supposed to be impossible, especially for a 17 year old witch."

Lauren shrugged. "Well I've been able to do it since I was five. So, how about that tour? It doesn't have to be long. You could just show me to your room." Lauren paused suggestively.

"Did you miss the part where I'm living at a boarding school and there are five other students in my dormitory? Not that you'd mind, I'm sure, you'd probably love the audience."

"Well isn't this a surprise! Draco Malfoy is turning down a chance for easy sex? Knock me down with a feather, I must be dreaming!"

"Shut up."

"Well if we're going to be married, I think conversation will have to really pick up between us."

"We don't have to get married."

"You'd leave the mother of your child without a husband?"

"Wouldn't be the first time."

"You're such a pig."

"I was joking."

"No you weren't"

Draco shrugged. Neither said anything.

"Well this is a bit awkward," Lauren offered.

"You can always leave."

"Cut me some slack here Draco. I'm new to this whole relationship thing, but I'm putting in some effort at least."

"Right. Because I'm Mr. Long-term Relationship."

Fortunately for everyone's sanity, Dumbledore came strolling into his office, holding a pair of x-ray glasses.

"This is getting a bit too angsty for my liking," he told them. "You know I had to send in five cereal box tokens to get these glasses and now you selfish children refuse to make them worthwhile by talking and whining instead of having hot, teenager sex all over my glorious desk. Now either join me for some cheese, or get out."

They opted for the cheese, because everyone who's anyone knows that cheese and Dumbledore always leads to drugs and Dumbledore and nobody wants to miss that.

………….

Yay!!! Another chapter! In most likely record time! Sorry about you being such a bitch in this story, Lauren! We read: I, since you know who still won't help me… hint hint in case you're reading this just couldn't introduce a new character half way through that was based on a real person without making her a Mary Sue of the worst sort. I don't think she has enough charms to be a real Mary Sue, but I try my best. Some days. Sorry about the lame end everyone, by the way. Thank goodness for Dumbledore and his awkward dispelling ways.

Oops, forgot to submit this… So my co-author will be back soon, once she's over her grief of her poor kitty dying. I will be understanding about this as I would be inconsolable if my cats died.


	10. The You'll Ball

Monday morning. Breakfast. The entire school was gathered in the Great Hall eating. Not that this was a unique activity that warranted mention, but it's been about a year since this story was updated, so I just wanted to make sure everyone was oriented. Okay, so, breakfast at Hogwarts, Dumbledore stands up to make an announcement.

"O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!" the bearded old man cried, and chortled briefly in his joy of a new day. "In other news, Hogwarts will be having a ball this holiday. A ball to which _you'll_ all be invited. A _yule_ ball, if you will." The headmaster chortled again. "Everyone is invited and drink tickets will be available for a galleon a pop. Proceeds are going toward hiring real teachers with actual qualifications." Dumbledore paused to listen to the horrified gasps circling the room. "Aha! You are all so easily fooled! Haha! The proceeds are actually going toward hiring strippers to perform at half time during quidditch games!"

There was much cheering and tossing of hats and breakfast foods in the air after this announcement.

"But quidditch doesn't have half times!" protested Hermione.

"What would you know? You hate quidditch!" said Ron.

"Ronald Weasley! How dare you insinuate that there is something in this world that I, Hermione Granger, do not have intimate knowledge of?"

"Well," drawled Draco as he came up behind the two, "I'd say with clear authority that you don't posses _intimate _knowledge of the male anatomy. And I'm not talking about studying medical textbooks late at night and imagining that that's going to substitute for the real thing."

"Fuck you, Malfoy," spat Ron. "Not everyone is a huge slut like you are."

"No, you're right. Some people have such ugly faces, they'll never get fucked, and some people have lousy boyfriends who fuck around on them. How tragic for the two of you."

"Hey, Ron isn't ugly! I think he's quite hansom in fact," Hermione said, a blush spreading across her face like the British Empire spread across the globe – in patches, often very near to the French. "And Viktor Krum was never my boyfriend."

"Hahaha! You're stupid and you have French colonies all over your face!" crowed Draco.

What?

"You think I'm hansom?" asked Ron in a wavering voice.

"Ummm. Yes?"

"Will you go to the you'll ball with me?"

"Oh, Ron! Of course I will!"

"Oh fuck no," said Draco. "I'm going to pretend this is all some horrible trip I'm on and Weasley didn't just ask Granger on a date. Fuck. Worst day of my life. I'm so glad I don't have images of the two of you fucking playing in my head because Weasel will never be able to get it up for Muddy."

Skipping ahead to the You'll Ball without any reasonable transition…

"Hey baby, wanna dance?" Draco asked the breasts of the girl in front of him.

"I would appreciate it if you directed your questions to my face," she replied. "How would you like it if I spoke to your cock?"

"Well he's a bit deaf, so you'd have to get really close. Usually that means you'd have to kneel down and take him out of my trousers. I wouldn't mind that at all."

"You're such a dirt bag."

Lauren glided up behind Draco as the girl stalked away. "Your skill leave something to be desired, my dear," she said. "I really don't see how you ever get laid with pick up lines like that."

"You laid me. Besides, she was a lesbian. I mean, she probably was."

"She is, but that's not the point."

"She is?"

"She's Pansy's girl. I figured you knew."

"Pansy? She's not gay, is she?"

"Bent as a two knut sickle."

"What? She went down on me on the train two years ago though!"

"Maybe she was bi-curious and you satisfied her curiosity."

"Well that would explain why she never did it again despite repeat invitations."

"Of course. No straight woman could ever resist the appeal of sucking your cock."

"I have yet to see evidence to the contrary."

"Yeah, right."

There was a brief lull in the conversation before Draco asked, "Why don't I ever meet hot lesbians interested in a threesome? They're always the resentful feminist sort that hate me for being a man."

"That's such bull, Draco. They hate you because you're a pig. Other women hate you for the same reasons, but they don't say anything because they want in your pants. The lesbians will never want in your pants, which would also explain why they wouldn't join you for a threesome. And anyways, Pansy _is_ hot. I think so at least."

"You do?" Draco looked up with interest. "Isn't she your cousin, though?"

"Well, who isn't related in this crazy world? And besides, look at her."

"So does this mean you'll join me for a night of hot, sweaty, multiple women sex? Maybe your cousin can join us?"

"Sure."

"Really?"

"Why not? Of course this means I'll get to watch while, say, Oliver Wood pounds you into the mattress."

"What?"

"Well fair is fair."

"No way! I am not letting Oliver, hung like an ox, Wood anywhere near me, you sick freak."

"Fine. Monogamous sex only for us. Ooo! Hello, who's that gorgeous man over there and how did I never notice him before?"

"Oh, that's Blaise Zabini. He's a bit of a recluse. You can put your tits back in your shirt, he likes cock."

"So I gathered by the way he's chatting up Potter," Lauren said, still tugging her shirt down to better display her ample cleavage. "Doesn't mean he's not interested."

"Go ahead and try."

"It's not like he's getting anywhere with Potter."

"He won't either. First of all, he's way to dark, subtle, rich, and intelligent. Potter tends to go for the freckled rodents."

Lauren shot Draco a look he didn't understand. "Well, you seem to be able to list all of Zambini's traits at the drop of a hat. I suppose some of those winter nights in the dank dungeons it must have got pretty lonely. I'm so glad you had a babe like him to keep you company."

"Not really. Like I said, recluse. Not very good at cards or chess. Oh, but if you call him Zambini he'll bite your face off. Literally. It's Zabini."

"Yeah, okay. Whatever. I'm getting bored of this conversation."

55555555

Well that's all for now. I'll update again sometime. Probably. No I'm kidding, I will. I have such plans. Such glorious, not to be believed plans. Oh, and props to Lewis Carroll for writing Jabberwocky and proving that poetry is not all garbage.


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